Unfinished first draft.

Before his baby brother and the marriage, Z thought his step father was really cool. His step father played the father role for him, and it seemed to be a real good situation. That quickly seemed to go away as soon as he had his wife and his baby on the way. Z was no longer important in his eyes. Z was forced to sleep on a seperate floor than the rest of the family, and his step father became controlling over the craziest things.

When Z was seven, he had the sudden urge to sleep on the floor instead of his bed. Feeling the need for permission, he asked his step father. For the simple satisfaction of having control, he told Z not to. Despite this instruction, when it came to be time for bed, Z laid down on the floor and went to sleep.

At one AM the door opened to reveal Z's step father. Being picked up by his wrist, Z awoke suddenly from the force, and had to go through a beating.

I interviewed my friend "Z" for my narritive. These are his responces.

Questions:

1) Think of a time where you felt a certain emotion for the first time. What was it, and how do you think it affected you?

Anger or Shock. When I was seven, I wanted to sleep on the floor. I asked my step father if I could, but he told me no. I did so anyway, and at one in the morning he came in and started to beat me.


2) Without that expereience, what type of person do you think you would be today?

I think I would be weaker. Without that happening, I wouldn't have any strength, and I wouldn't be able to stand up for myself at all.


3) Is there anything you wish to accomplish in this lifetime that you're afraid you won't be able to do? Why do you feel that way?

Back handsprings or backflips. It was scary and weird going backwards. I was always afraid I would break my neck.

4) What is the one thing you want the world to know about you? How would you want to get the message across?

That I'm complicated. I'd get the message across by...being complicated.

5) If you were to die tomorrow, how would you want to die?

I've always wanted to commit suicide by drowning in a bathtub full of quicksilver, so then when someone discovered my body, they would go crazy from the fumes. If it was a murder, being hit by a meteor or an alien space ship.


6) Do you believe in destiny? What do you think yours has in store for you if you do? Why do you think people believe in them so heavily if you don't?

I would say I believe in destiny, but at the moment, I'm unsure of what it has instore for me.

7) If given the choice, would you rather live in ignorant bliss, unaware of the corruption around you, or in miserable clarity, seeing everything for what it really is?

Miserable Clarity. I hate being lies and being lied to. I like to see everything for what it is. I feel that knowledge is more important than happiness.

8) What is your ideal life? What would you look like? Sound like? Act like? What would you do for a living, and what would be your marital status?

I'd have to say a boyfriend and more money. I basically have my ideal life right now. I moved out so I could have control of everything.

9) What is a bigger insult to you; Being ignored by your peers, or not getting the credit you deserved from society?

Ignored by my peers would be a bigger insult to me.

10) Do you feel like that in the end your life will matter? If so, to how many people?

I think I'll matter to a small amount, but how broad view not so much. Exact about is to be announced.

11) Did these questions make you think about certain aspects of yourself that you weren't aware of? Why do you think you have either never explored it before, or choose not to do so often or better?

I'm currently in the middle of a whole bunch of intense emotions and soul searching, so I'm pretty much covering it all right now.

Personal Vignette

Being sixteen is difficult for any girl, but being sixteen with a secret that could potentially tear up the relationship that a girl has with anyone and everyone is almost devistatingly hard. I had discovered something was different about myself at twelve, hanging out with influential girls, talk about and doing things that made parents cringe. Alot like that movie "Thirteen" but without the piercings and the drinking and the drugs. By fourteen I was pretty much sure of who I was, and now at the age of 16, friends of mine were coming out, and the fire was beginning to rise beneath my feet to follow them out of the closet. It ate at me inside that my mother didn't know something so important to who I was. Earlier in the summer I already had cut myself in frustration of keeping things bottled inside of me. I knew I would have to do it soon before I suffered some other form of punishment for not being honest.

For weeks I felt the worlds bubbling on my tongue, waiting for me to let them escape and to let my mother know that her pride and joy was infact into other girls, but each time they also came out I found something else to focus on-the song on the radio, the car that passed by, whatever topic my mom brought up instead of what I wanted to say. At one point, the window of opportunity seemed wide open since my dad was supposed to go out with friends, but when his plans failed, so did mine.

I seeked solace in a website meant for gay teens, often keeping it buried beneath other windows, because what a way to be outed? I suspected she knew-both about the website, and about me-and I began to try and hide it. Always talking about boys, and how I liked them oh so much. Looking back on it, I would have been better off just being myself. Ofcourse there were close calls, and fears that I wasn't doing a good job, but nothing was brought up, so I felt it was still safe.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. On the way to driver's ed, as my mother turned from the neighborhood onto a main road, and I felt the words explode from me.

"Mom, I'm bi,"

Turning down the volume, she made me repeat it, and with her comment that it didn't really matter to her, I fell into an uncomfortable silence and ackward conversation. So much time spent on how to say it and when, and it was turned into something she didn't really care about, or so I thought. My mind raced on why she wouldn't care about it, it was something abnormal, why was she fine with an abnormality? But it was normal, very normal, especially for kids my age. In some cases, this was a bit late for me to realise this in me.

As I complained to friends about my mother's dismissal, I soon noticed her beside me. Stopping conversations, and pausing the music on my headphones I turned to her. I half expected to be told I needed to do the dishes, or that guests were coming over soon, so I needed to pick up the bathroom, so I awaited her words with a nonchalant look of "whatever, Mom."

"About what you told me earlier in the car," she began. I felt my stomach twist, and two beings sitting on my sholders, one being the raging bull dyke one assumes all lesbians are, the other, the perfectly sweet straight girl who would never think of another woman in such ways as men do. Hushing the fears of what she was going to tell me, I listened on, "I didn't mean to make it sound like I didn't care, I just wanted to let you know that you being that way is as indifferent to me as you telling me you like the color blue over green. I wanted you to know that I am glad you trusted me with this information, and that I will always love you."

Tears stung my eyes and a smile smeared across my face as I teased that she was making me cry before hugging her. I was honest, I was who I was meant to be, and my mom not only knew about it, she accepted me for it.

My Interview Questions

I am unsure on who I will be interviewing at this point. I'm hoping it is someone I can actually gain some insight on, and I have a few people in mind. If I get my ideal person, they will be a stranger to me because I just met them this week. I actually came up with 11 questions, but I'm not sure I will use them all.

Questions:

1) Think of a time where you felt a certain emotion for the first time. What was it, and how do you think it affected you?

2) Without that expereience, what type of person do you think you would be today?

3) Is there anything you wish to accomplish in this lifetime that you're afraid you won't be able to do? Why do you feel that way?

4) What is the one thing you want the world to know about you? How would you want to get the message across?

5) If you were to die tomorrow, how would you want to die?

6) Do you believe in destiny? What do you think yours has in store for you if you do? Why do you think people believe in them so heavily if you don't?

7) If given the choice, would you rather live in ignorant bliss, unaware of the corruption around you, or in miserable clarity, seeing everything for what it really is?

8) What is your ideal life? What would you look like? Sound like? Act like? What would you do for a living, and what would be your marital status?

9) What is a bigger insult to you; Being ignored by your peers, or not getting the credit you deserved from society?

10) Do you feel like that in the end your life will matter? If so, to how many people?

11) Did these questions make you think about certain aspects of yourself that you weren't aware of? Why do you think you have either never explored it before, or choose not to do so often or better?